What led to my Divorce?
Posted by Jackie Paulson Author
I grew up in a strict Irish Catholic family of seven kids and two adults. I even attendedboarding schools in high school. Interesting enough my real mother died from over drinkingand my father is a drinker to this day. My father owned a restaurant and later a bar and liquor store. It is obvious that my dysfunctional background helped me to want to start drinking when I was eighteen years old. Since I was born in 1966, I was able to travel over the border to Wisconsin and drink. Drinking at age eighteen started my love of drinking, attention, showing off, challenges and romances. Then I got married on 2-22-1992 to a man I fell in love with. He was a great looking man (Billy Ray Cyrus look-alike). He was a drinker. We enjoyed our new married life, new friends and all of the drinking parties. I joined a volleyball team at our local bar and loved the sport and the drinking. With all of this said I have to admit I was never pulled over by the police and never got a DUI. Oh am I thankful for these years later. Anyhow, after two years of a wonderful marriage we decided to have a child. Once I became pregnant I wanted the best for our child, so I quit drinking, my husband did not. At first I didn’t have a problem with this but after the child was born I changed. I decided that I wanted what was best for our child, a girl, and since my mom died when I was five and she was thirty-three, I vowed not to drink or tolerate it in front of our child, which included the/my husband. I decided to attend AA meetings to make sure I kept sober with a child. I never thought I would learn so much when I went there. I went to “get my husband to quit drinking.” What I learned is that I had to work on me and not him. What a Revelation! As time passed I did not allow my husband to have any alcohol in our home. We started to fight a lot, about money, communication problems, and then he would just not come home from work until really late. He decided to drink after work with his drinking buddies and just ignore his wife and child. Oh how I was devastated and learned that the meetings were helping me to make my own decisions and to not focus on my husband and his drinking but on my life. As I started to detach from his drinking and find new found things to do that did not involve drinking, my husband ended up coming home from work when our child was one years old asking for a divorce. He said, “I fell out of love with you.” As this came to a big surprise and shock to me, I had to stay strong because of our child. Needless to say, the meetings helped me to stay strong, not drink and become a divorced single mother working three jobs. I received “sole custody” of our girl and to this day do not drink. She is now seventeen years old and I am forty-four. The best thing I ever did was attend meetings to get the proper help I needed in order to get my life in order to be a strong single mother and raise our girl by myself working three jobs. I am proud of her and I am proud of me. I know my real mom is proud that I did such a wonderful job raising her and that I did not follow in the drinking path of destruction by so many in our family.
All this can be found on my Divorce Issues Blog at http://divorceissues.wordpress.com
and some of you already know this about me.
Comments are welcomed and stories of your own.
I plan to write a book and with your permission you could be in it too!
Bless ALL OF YOU my fellow faithful Readers!
Posted by What led to my Divorce | Kids say : on October 20, 2011 at 2:13 PM
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Posted by eof737 on October 20, 2011 at 3:49 AM
Sorry to read about your pain… However, it has made you strong and focused… You did well.
Posted by barb19 on October 19, 2011 at 3:30 PM
Jackie, you have battled the odds and won! I am so proud of your determination and courage to make the change. Your concern for your child gave you the courage to change the way you were living and because of that, you gave your daughter a chance in life that she might not otherwise had, if you had stayed with her father.
You are one strong lady.
Posted by Jackie Paulson Author on October 20, 2011 at 3:46 AM
Thanks Barb, even as this took place (my divorce) when she was 1.5 and now she is 17 I guess I have accomplished more than I thought. You are so sweet. Thanks.
Posted by Katherine Gordy Levine on October 19, 2011 at 3:15 PM
I come from a long line of drunks as they say in the rooms. My mother was the care-taker and so am I. Curiously, I learned early on I didn’t like being drunk, and have an early warning system. If my lip gets a little numb-no more drinking. At the same time I do love the relaxation that Katherine’s martini (Vodka on the Rocks), provided.
No longer possible to enjoy. Medication means very little alcohol. I was never a heavy or even moderate drinker. I have watched beloved family members drink themselves to death and my foster children taught me lots about the sadness of addictions, and then one of my sons got into drinking and drugging. That pulled me into Alanon and Families Anonymous.
Learned more being a parent, foster parent, and at Alanon, then I did in graduate school or from a most of the therapists that I have visited off and on. My son has been sober now for almost ten years. It was a long haul and his son has been a big motivator, but he was sober before then.
Three stories, use them in your book if you wish-my son would not like me to share them as me.
My husband was the big enabler with my son. By the time my son was into the really hard stuff, land had been arrested, my husband agreed to see a alcoholic counselor. He went to Al-anon for awhile, took some stuff away, but stopped going. The counselor was someone we had met during one of my son’s stints through rehab and David liked him.
He met with us for about forty minutes. Then he said to me, “You can leave. You are doing all you can. David, you and I need to meet regularly, you are part of the problem.”
So different from one family counselor who told me I was the problem, because I was worried about my husband’s tendency to verbally explode off and on. That enabled him and while the explosions were not fatal, they were hurful.
Anyway, eventually my son was arrested for trespassing and possession. The drug counselor said we should petition the court to have our son remanded to rehab. David wrote the letter, but was not going to be town the day my son was to appear. I did the dirty deed. The judge read my letter and did what we asked over the objections of my son’s lawyer.
My son stomped off angrily. The lawyer came after me as we left the court. “Now he will have a record and its your fault.”
I had asked a parent advocate, one of my staff, to accompany me. She told the lawyer. “Well, at least his death won’t be on her conscience.” So glad she was with me.
Six weeks later-took that long to get him on Medicaid and into a rehap, I recieived an invitation to family day. My son told my husband he didn’t want us going. I went anyway.
At the opening of Family Day, the addicts attending Family Day all introduced themselves and their family members. My son was angrily pacing the hall, so I introduced myself and said my son hadn’t wanted me to come. Well, that created a bit of a stir among the professionals and I was told at the ensuing coffee break — that I would have to leave.
“We don’t want to break your son’s confidentiality.”
Well, I am a bit stubborn and refused to leave, pointed out that their invitation didn’t say if your son approves and I would raise quite a stink if they made me leave. We reached a compromise, I could stay, but not say anything.
I had lunch with some addicts and all the time caught glimpses of my son still pacing angrily, but with one or another person pacing with him.
At the afternoon session, one of the addicts asked if I would comment on something that was said. The group leader said I couldn’t as my son hadn’t invited me. That addict said, “Well, then let me tell her something. Your being here may just save your son’s life..”
The final session of the day was a gratitude session. My son came to that escorted by another addict or a counselor. I am not sure which. I wasn’t supposed to speak, but stood up anyway and said thank you to three of the people who had been kind to me-one being the addict who said I might have saved my son’s life.
I wanted to say thank you to my son, but was afraid to say anything to him.
After two other’s spoke, my son got up and came over to me and simplly said, “Thank you, Mom.” We hugged and he sat next to me.
Tears from me then and now.
He went from that Rehab to a half-way house for six months and has been drug and alcohol free since.
I am so grateful to the addicts that stayed by his side that long ago day. There is no way, I can say he wouldn’t have gotten sober without my attending the Family Day, but I also know it mattered and the addicts knew it mattered. And the professionals would have kicked me out.
Voices like yours need to be raised. I am sad for your daughter’s other parent, and his acceptance of false idea of love. He lost the preciousness of raising a daughter and he lost a marriage to a good woman.
Thank you for sharing and finish your book.
Posted by Jackie Paulson Author on October 20, 2011 at 1:44 AM
I am in tears after reading the hardship that you endured. I say with great respect that you did what you “had to do” and it did save your son. God or our higher power does play a role, as when I first started all of the “help” sessions, I was getting help for my husband and not me. I have always put my daughter first, and maybe that is because my real mom died when I was 5. It’s different when your own mother dies at such a young age, most people do not believe my own memories of her, and yet I see her clearly in the “casket.” Even today. I have fond memories of her (Joan). I am glad that a happy ending is written in your story of true recovery for your son, that is so admirable. I have accepted that I did what I had to do, and now have no regrets. Thank you for your words and for seeing that the work involved raising a daughter as a single mother working three jobs was not an easy task. I pray for my enemies and those who do not believe the way as I do. I have to say that this story will unfold. I also have a paralegal degree. why this is so important to me is my ex husband owes me 90 grand in child support to this day. I have a lien on his property and he has a wife and 11 yr old son. They do not live near me or his daughter. I have let the money issue go even after fighting for my rights for so long. It’s sad that a man as him can call himself a man and yet not pay “child support as the courts ordered.” In IL the law states that if the parent owes more than 5 grand he is a criminal and a felon…how he gets away with this is beyond me and I have no more in me to fight or what have you. I let go and let god as the “group” has taught me. I am living my life one day at a time and proud to be my daughters mom. I love her with all of my heart. I love your son as he has endured more than what most endure. It takes great courage and strength and prayers to come out of such adversity. Praise God and You (mom) for that. Thanks for writing today. My tears are gone and I feel better now. Bless you.
Posted by CurlyLAF on October 19, 2011 at 11:20 AM
I held my tears, but my heartstrings were twisted and torn. But I’m happy how you were able to manage handling the harsh circumstances of your life. Thanks a lot for sharing! You are a strong person and I would be honest that I won’t fully understand how you’ve been through. The pattern of your younger years was horrible that in came out to be devastating, yet how you brought your daughter promises a reward I will keep you in prayers. May the Lord continue to empower you that He may use you more as a channel of blessing! ^_^
~blessings,
Lai
Posted by Jackie Paulson Author on October 19, 2011 at 11:24 AM
Thank you (CurlyLAF) for your comment. I hope to write a book, I have friends that say I am very strong and courageous. I lived for the Lord and I do now.
Posted by laurieanichols on October 19, 2011 at 9:46 AM
That is incredible, you are so brave and courageous. You gave your little girl an amazing gift of life, love and strength, not to mention a lesson in selflessness. You are going to be a great novelist and I’ll be able to say that I was a fan from the beginning!
Posted by raisingdaisy on October 19, 2011 at 8:53 AM
Oh Jackie, I’m SO proud of you too! It takes a LOT of inner strength to overcome an addiction to alcohol, especially when it runs through a family and a relationship. You’re one strong woman and I believe there’s NOTHING you can’t accomplish! I hope your book gives lots of other women the strength to follow in your shoes.